Tag: need

When Things Fall Apart

When Things Fall Apart

I prefer matters in the classroom to move along pleasantly. Students listening to my directions the first time, papers being turned in on time, and the whole class period moving in a peaceful, cohesive movement would be ideal.

Yet it often when things fall apart that I am compelled to pray more than usual.

Which leads me to still desire the peaceful perfection which eludes while offering a begrudging gratitude for the ways difficulties stretch me. Why can’t the peaceful moments produce as much growth as the moments when I am fraying and grasping after grace? If only I could have a lovely, gentle day of teaching and return home saying, “That was a day of fruitful growth.” Instead, I encounter unexpected difficulties beyond my comprehension or control and I return home battle-weary saying, “I am going to need so much more grace to endure this.”

This week, I had some tense encounters with a student and I found myself at a loss for how to handle the anger which seemed directed at me and yet disproportionate to the impact I could have possibly made on the student. It has been a slow burn from the beginning of the semester, but it seemed to be close to bubbling over this week. During an open period, I found myself trying to unwind, rosary beads slipping through my fingers, as I wondered how I would endure the months to come. And while I didn’t come up with any easy solutions, I was seeing that regardless of the stress and tension this student was adding to my life, there was also the goodness of turning to the Lord in prayer. I didn’t think I needed an additional reminder that things are outside my control, but I seem to be overruled in the matter.

The kind, peaceable students who are a delight don’t generally make me fall to my knees, begging the Lord to offer His guidance and grace. It is the students who push my limits, annoy me to the point of insanity, and lash out at me with their own set of jumbled emotions that cause me to turn to the Lord, recognizing my inability to manage without Him.

A quote from St. John of the Cross came to mind the other day which says, “Where there is no love, put love–and you will find love.” I wrote this on my board and I am already finding myself staring at it, trying to will myself to put love into situations which seem to offer me no good will or pleasure.

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They Have No Wine

They Have No Wine

“They have no wine.”

It isn’t a question. It isn’t even really an ask.

Rather it is a simple statement from a mother to her son. At the wedding feast of Cana, Mary makes the needs of the wedding couple known to Jesus. But how could He not have already known? Yet she models so beautifully the role of every Christian: to present our needs and the needs of others to the Lord. She does this with simplicity (she doesn’t muddy it up by telling Jesus how to remedy the problem) and full of trust (since her next words are to the servants, ‘Do whatever he tells you.’).

“They have no wine.”

Sometimes I think that I just keep presenting the same thing to the Lord over and over again. While in many ways that is true, there is also a sense in which it isn’t true enough. I am the one who gets tired of asking. I am the one who grows weary with bringing to the Lord that which He already knows better than I do. Unlike Mary, I am less convinced that He will hear my plea and respond generously to me. Instead, I find it necessary to instruct the Lord in how he might fulfill my need. I have the perfect idea for how the Lord might work in my life, if only He would listen.

Jesus, however, is secretive with His plans, hiding from us what the future holds, likely (for nearly all of us) for our own good. He has plans which I cannot fathom, ways to fulfill my longings which I could not guess, even if given thousands of years to do so. And His plans have the benefit of being good and perfect, rather than my own short-sighted idea of what might be good for me.

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Hugging Lazarus

Hugging Lazarus

“Do you know how long it has been since I’ve been hugged by someone who cared about me?”

The words themselves were striking. And yet it was even more striking as they settled in us, bearing the weight they ought to have, as we simply looked upon the one who had asked the question.

Of course, how could we know the answer?

I think his words were revealing to himself. His eyes were rimmed in unshed tears, the ache visible and arresting. He was surprised by the sweep of emotion and we were likewise caught up into that surprise. The moment before had been ordinary and now we found ourselves in suddenly deep waters, like when you walk along a riverbed and shockingly find yourself underwater when you simply expected the next step to be like all of the others.

It was another evening in prison, practicing the music before Mass. I don’t remember what preceded this conversation, but I remember the moment when we plumbed the depths. One of the men was sharing about how it was against the rules to hug volunteers and then another mentioned how he had recently been hugged by a pastor when he was struggling with a situation. And, suddenly, there we were in the depths as the man recognized the importance of that human contact, the need he had to be embraced by someone who cared about him.

I wondered if he even cried in the moment of receiving the hug. After he asked that question, those of us nearby could only turn and look at him, reveling in the stillness and sincerity of the moment. It was a window into his soul. We didn’t know what he had been struggling with at the time, but we were certain that this simple action from a pastor was life-giving and humanizing.

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When the Gift is More for Me Than Others

When the Gift is More for Me Than Others

During two summers in college, I was on a Totus Tuus team that traveled around my home diocese and ran catechesis for elementary through high school students.  When I started, I knew I wanted to share the message of Jesus Christ with the youth of the diocese and I had encountered a zeal in teams from previous years that I desired for myself.  By the end of the summer, I knew I had been thoroughly tricked.  I wanted to share the Gospel and yet I found a deeper need within myself to encounter the Gospel personally.  Returning to college, I told people that Totus Tuus is really about my own personal formation, not primarily about the youth I interacted with at the different parishes.  It was a surprise, but it wouldn’t be the first time the Lord would change me despite my desire to be the one provoking change. Continue reading “When the Gift is More for Me Than Others” →

A Random Mom: How God Showed Me He Cares for Me

A Random Mom: How God Showed Me He Cares for Me

It was in the middle of a meeting and she got a call.  Stepping outside the room, she spoke for a moment and then quickly came back to collect her things.

“One of my children is bleeding everywhere.  I’m sorry, I have to go.”  With a hasty flourish, she was out of the room and jogging towards her car.

My first thought?  Such is the life of a mother.  Simply, such is the life of a parent.  You put aside your own plans, needs, and desires because you immediately respond to those of your children.

My second thought?   Continue reading “A Random Mom: How God Showed Me He Cares for Me” →