The Price of Forgiveness

“Oh, my God, I am heartily sorry…”

Generally, when I begin to pray the Act of Contrition in Confession, I close my eyes. I prefer to go behind the screen and I like to close my eyes so I can focus on the words. As I started the prayer, I realized that the confessional I was using had a crucifix hanging on the screen at about eye level.

“for having offended Thee…”

My eyes shifted and fastened on Jesus. There He was, arms outstretched and pierced by nails. His total gift stood in stark contradiction to my selfishness and inability to sacrifice. Yet as I spoke the words directly to Him, I was struck by the rightness of it all.

“I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of Hell…”

My sin crucified Him. And though there was nothing new that I was learning, I was seeing in a deeper way what my sin brought about. Here I was, staring at the very reality that made the words I was saying efficacious. Without His death, my words were a vain pleading for reconciliation without paying the debt. Continue reading “The Price of Forgiveness” →

What the Lord did with his Yes

It is incredible what the Lord can do with a fervent “Yes.”

This thought came to mind as I heard the news of the death of the president emeritus of my alma mater. Fr. Michael Scanlan died this morning at 85 years old and the legacy he leaves behind is beautiful. I try not to canonize people too early and so I will say that Fr. Mike was an imperfect man, like many others. Yet his “Yes” to the Lord has changed the lives of many.

That is what I would like to spend a few minutes reflecting on right now. The Lord has a unique mission for each of us and accepting that mission will transform many lives. Fr. Mike reformed the Franciscan University of Steubenville from struggling local party college to a renowned pillar of orthodoxy. It was not on his own, of course, because he needed like minded people to work with him in this mission. As the president, however, he was at the forefront of changing the insignificant college into something that people would travel across the country to attend.

My heart changed in college. It was through the classes, ministries, and communal life that I experienced a profound deepening in my faith. My grandpa would frequently ask me if I chose this college simply because it was far from home. He would ask why I didn’t attend Catholic colleges far closer. Unless he went there, I don’t think I could explain to my grandpa the uniqueness of this college and how it helped reform my own heart. Fr. Mike’s “Yes” to Jesus Christ made this possible. There were many other yeses by many other people, but the “Yes” of Fr. Mike helped bring about change in the lives of many. When I consider all of the students who attended this college or all of the people impacted by the summer conferences, I thank the Lord for the gift and witness of Fr. Michael Scanlan. Continue reading “What the Lord did with his Yes” →

Getting to the Heart of the Matter

“I will not let Satan use my heart against me.”

Arguably, the topic I write about most is the human heart. This is probably because I am always struggling to come to terms with having one. The Lord redeemed the human heart when He became incarnate. I am certain it provided difficulties for Him, also, but He handled all of those temptations and challenges to prove that, with His grace, it can be done.

Scripture speaks often of the heart.
“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Mt. 6:21)
“My heart overflows with a goodly theme; I address my verses to the king; my tongue is like the pen of a ready scribe.” (Ps. 45:1)
“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7)

Fyodor Dostoyevsky, in The Brothers Karamazov, said, “The awful thing is that beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and the devil are fighting there and the battlefield is the heart of man.” Beauty is a powerful force and both God and Satan use it for their own purposes. It moves our hearts, sometimes against our wishes or in spite of our intentions.

Our hearts are being fought over and so I guess it makes sense that mine so often feels like a war zone. Too often, however, the main focus can be me and not about how the Lord could be using feelings, situations, and circumstances to draw me closer to Himself. And when the focus rests on me, it becomes a pretty dismal outlook. In The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis recognizes this tendency in a letter to Wormwood, a young demon-in-training. “The simplest is to turn their gaze away from Him towards themselves. Keep them watching their own minds and trying to produce feelings there by the actions of their own wills.” Continue reading “Getting to the Heart of the Matter” →

Waiting: For Christmas and the End

“There is nothing restful about Advent yearning.”
(Come, Lord Jesus: Meditations on the Art of Waiting, Mother Mary Francis, P.C.C.)

Waiting.

I find myself waiting for a lot of things. Waiting for packages to arrive in the mail, waiting for conversations to occur, waiting for the end of the semester, or just waiting for something new to happen. Advent is filled to the brim with waiting.

We can often paint Advent as this oh-so-pleasant and peaceful time of waiting for Christmas. And, in a way, it is. It should be a time of peace and eager preparations. However, ask any pregnant woman, engaged couple, or person awaiting medical tests and they will tell you that waiting can be a time of difficult longing. There is a tension found in the waiting and, while not necessarily a bad thing, it isn’t always pleasant. Continue reading “Waiting: For Christmas and the End” →

Longing for Greatness

I’ve always longed for greatness. Not in the sense that everyone knows me or that I’m famous. Rather, I have always desired a great mission or task in life. I want to contribute something to the world and I want it to impact people. This weekend I watched The Courageous Heart of Irena Sendler and I was re-filled with the desire to pursue greatness.

Irena Sendler was a young Polish woman who lived during the time of World War II. She was a social worker, but her work went far beyond her simple job title. During the time that the Jewish people were being relocated to the ghettos and then to “work camps,” Irena worked tirelessly to smuggle children to safety. Risking her life, she worked with a courageous group to secretly save children by tucking them into tool boxes, packing them into boxes, or hiding them in vehicles. Later caught, she endured torture and was nearly killed, all the while never giving up any secrets.

In total, it is said that Irena Sendler and companions helped to save 2,500 Jewish children in Poland. The children were placed with convents or families throughout Poland. She kept meticulous records of who their parents were and where they were placed in the hopes that families would be reunited after the war. This young woman quietly changed the world and, initially, received little recognition for it. She was awarded Righteous Among the Nations in 1965 and later named an honorary citizen of Israel in 1991. In 2007, she was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. However, for most of her life she lived with little acclaim or notoriety for her heroic actions and sacrifices.

While I do not hope for concentration camps or totalitarian regimes, this is the greatness for which I long. I look at her life and I see a greatness that goes beyond one person. Yet the greatness that I see and anyone can see who looks at her life was not recognized by Irena herself. She did not see herself as a hero or seem pleased with her accomplishments. Instead, she said that she could have done more to save more children. Continue reading “Longing for Greatness” →

That Heartburn

Last year, Fr. Mike Schmitz came out with a video. And this year, I showed it again to all of my classes. Sometimes I mind watching the same video six times in one day, but this was not one of those times. Each time I watched it, I was filled with this desire to be holy and to persevere in running the race.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, who for the sake of the joy that was set before him endured the cross, disregarding its shame, and has taken his seat at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Before we watched the video, I put this passage on the board and gave my students time to reflect on it. Each class period, I found something new to consider in the passage. I could go through it, line by line, and tell you what stood out to me, but that probably wouldn’t be interesting for you. Instead, I’ll highlight just a couple. Of course, the video focused on the “cloud of witnesses” that surrounds us and how the saints are there to push us forward when we want to give up. Yet I also noticed the “also lay aside every weight” as it shows that we are to, like the saints, strip ourselves of everything that does not help us reach the finish line. Finally, I was struck by how we are to run the race “set before us” and that it is not necessarily the race that we choose or would want to run.

In listening to Fr. Mike Schmitz and reflecting on that Scripture passage, I am filled again with the desire to be holy. Though my life is a good one, I do not always feel the adrenaline of being in the midst of a race. I want it to be exciting always, otherwise I tend to forget that I am in a battle/race. Continue reading “That Heartburn” →

I Know What Not To Pray For

“Alright, Lord, how do You want me to pray for this?”

Finally, finally, something was making its way through my dense head. I had tried my own methods when I felt like the Lord was taking too long. Yet each time I found that my ways didn’t work.

So You have a different plan, Lord? Would you like to let me in on it?

Apparently, He does not. In the midst of waiting, though, I would like to be praying for something. I want to plead with the Lord to work in some way. However, I do not know what He wants or how I should pray for it.

I simply know what I cannot pray for. Many times I’ve prayed for the Lord to cut something out of my heart: a person, a habit, a feeling, an emotion, a thought, etc. I want Him to take a Divine Scalpel and cut out the portion that doesn’t fit or that I don’t want. Continue reading “I Know What Not To Pray For” →

His Terrifying Vulnerability

There is a terrifying vulnerability in how His arms are outstretched.

I’m not certain I had ever quite seen it that way before. At Sunday Mass, I was looking up at the large crucifix behind the altar and I was slightly fearful. That wide open heart, that vulnerable heart, that posture of being unable to defend oneself is what He wants from me. And it scares me.

A nail pierces each hand, fixing them in place. He is unable to shield Himself from anything: not the hurled insults, not the mockery, not the physical blows should it come to that. Briefly, I pictured myself unable to curl up into a ball to protect my heart, to shield my face. It was terrifying. I would not be simply defenseless before loved ones but before my enemies. That place of weakness seemed to be too much to bear. At least in the face of persecution and mockery, I like to appear to be strong and resilient.

And the people stood by, watching; but the rulers scoffed at him, saying, “He saved others; let him save himself, if he is the Christ of God, his Chosen One!” The soldiers also mocked him, coming up and offering him vinegar, and saying, “If you are the King of the Jews, save yourself! (Luke 23:35-37)

Continue reading “His Terrifying Vulnerability” →

That Time I Went To A Club

They thought it would be funny to go into the club. It was a Saturday evening and we were walking downtown. As I fished around in my wallet for my ID, I could hear the strong beat of music that poured out past the bouncer, who waited with a flashlight and outstretched hand. This was a place very clearly out of my element.

We entered the club and I started taking it all in. I wasn’t really dressed for the place, but I wasn’t entirely a misfit. I tried to keep my facial expressions neutral as we climbed the steps to the second level.

One. I started a mental count of former students. Luckily, I never moved beyond one.

On the second floor, I saw the long bar, people pressed up alongside it four deep. I really wanted to not look like a fish out of water, but I must have failed because my friends were amused by my expressions.

“Just dance,” they told me, as the music blared across the sea of people. Continue reading “That Time I Went To A Club” →

Justice

A friend once told me that I have an “excessive sense of justice.” I’m not certain I would agree, but I think justice is incredibly important and I like to think that I pursue it. A college professor gave me an incorrect final grade and I e-mailed him, visited him during office hours the following semester, and then sent a follow up e-mail, all in the attempt to get him to lower my grade to what it should be. To me, it was natural and expected that I would go to such lengths to get a worse grade. I didn’t deserve that grade and I wanted to get what I deserved.

While I will never claim to be perfect, for as long as I can remember I’ve had a very strong moral compass. It doesn’t mean it is always right, but I think I have a keen sense of justice. (Others who know me, though, may see more readily the areas where I am not just.) It meant that I took note of how long my mom spent with my older sister when she was being home-schooled, and I insisted that she spend the exact same amount of time with me. Continue reading “Justice” →

Seeking After His Heart

A Blog Following the Quest of A Human Heart

Tag: heart