“Alright, Lord, how do You want me to pray for this?”
Finally, finally, something was making its way through my dense head. I had tried my own methods when I felt like the Lord was taking too long. Yet each time I found that my ways didn’t work.
So You have a different plan, Lord? Would you like to let me in on it?
Apparently, He does not. In the midst of waiting, though, I would like to be praying for something. I want to plead with the Lord to work in some way. However, I do not know what He wants or how I should pray for it.
I simply know what I cannot pray for. Many times I’ve prayed for the Lord to cut something out of my heart: a person, a habit, a feeling, an emotion, a thought, etc. I want Him to take a Divine Scalpel and cut out the portion that doesn’t fit or that I don’t want.
Yet the response I have received from Him is this, “Trish, your heart is too small already.”
The Lord does not want to minimize my one-size-too-small heart any more than it already has been. Praying for parts of my heart to be cut off is not a part of God’s plan and so I find myself seeking some other prayer that will adequately express what I want.
Lord, I want a transformation. Lord, I want You to change that part of my heart. Lord, I want my heart to be conformed to Your heart. Lord, I want Your heart. Lord, I want Your will.
While I have not stumbled upon the exact words that seem to fit, I am seeking to rest in the midst of this tension. I am trying to be pleased that I have learned something from the Lord so far: that my heart is not a thing to be cut up or divided into pieces. The Lord wants to work through events and situations of my life to draw me closer to Himself. And this heart, frustrating and difficult though it may be, is part of that process.
Uncertain what to pray, I keep telling the Lord that He knows what I mean, He knows what I want, and He knows what is best. Do that, I tell Him, do that.