During 8th period yesterday, I found myself embroiled in an unexpected debate on modesty. It was interesting, albeit slightly frustrating, to hear the girls present the woes of being asked to dress modestly. And, to a degree, I would agree with them that the rules of dress tend to be more strictly enforced for women. They argued about short shorts and the horror of needing to cover their shoulders. Even in their discussions, they admitted that modesty was enforced differently by different teachers and that one rule didn’t always work the same for everyone. The true problem, however, is one of feeling burdened. Continue reading “Not Burdensome”
Surrendering
One of my friends and I were looking at a listing of the different “definitions of Hell” based on a person’s Myers-Briggs personality type. There were a few that seemed to fit well with me, but the one that stood out was for the INTJ personality. “Every time you open your mouth to say something intelligent, something entirely idiotic comes out instead.”
We agreed that the scenario would be pretty awful. Then I remembered when I had my four wisdom teeth removed. I was awake for the procedure, but my mouth was injected and numbed so that I couldn’t feel pain. Afterwards, my mom came in to see me. For some reason, it was incredibly important for me to convey to my mom that I was still perfectly logical, even with all of the pain meds. Continue reading “Surrendering”
Graced
Anger is like a dead weight.
The fool thinks that anger will invade only one area of his life. He thinks that anger can be compartmentalized from the rest of one’s feelings and actions. That fool thinks that the heart can be subdivided, anger for some and happiness for the rest. He is wrong.
Or she.
Or me.
After days of being angry, I decided to not be. I will not, of course, downplay the workings of grace. Grace was imperative for me to see what I was choosing to do to my own heart. In the beautiful mystery that is God, the Holy Spirit prepared my heart to receive the graces needed to take a step away from the anger and frustration. Continue reading “Graced”
Journals
Would I want my great-grandchildren to read my journals?
This was something I pondered this past week with a couple friends. My initial response is one of mild horror. Someone reading my journals? Learning about the deep secrets I have attempted to lay bare for the sake of my sanity? I was not in favor of it. Not unless I could self-edit some of the more ridiculous parts, leaving the entries that would make me look holy and intelligent.
Though I have slowed down in the past year, I have written fairly extensively about the inner-workings of my heart and mind. They aren’t literary masterpieces, but I like to write honestly and in detail. The journals are primarily prayer journals. Yet I strive to speak to Jesus as I would to a closest friend which means that they are riddled with exaggeration, frustration, and melancholy as well as excitement, joy, and great fervor.
Yet the only consolation I can conjure when thinking about my great-grandchildren reading my journals is that I would be dead if that happened. And if I would be dead, then I would hardly be concerned with what they were reading. But as it so happens, right now I am very much alive and the hypothetical situation alarms me. I cannot help but wonder what they or anyone else would think should they stumble upon my journals.
Currently, I am on my tenth (or so) journal and I began shortly before college started. They are of different shapes and styles but I lean toward the elegant ones with built in bookmarks because they make me feel as though I am writing a real book. A couple are travel journals, speaking of excursions during my semester abroad as well as the Camino.
“Wouldn’t you want to read your Great-grandmother’s journals if you could?” my friend asks me as we discuss the situation. Perhaps. Of course it would be interesting and give a glimpse into the life of someone I never knew. But I just assume my Great-grandmother wasn’t half as ridiculous as I am. At least, I hope for her sake she wasn’t.
Perhaps, I pondered, I could simply request that they burn my journals after I die. Yet there is little to stop them from not following my wishes and there have been several times in history where such requests were not followed. In fact, such a request would probably heighten curiosity. Yet the thought of me burning my journals is too difficult at this point. They are friends. They reveal previous versions of Trish that are all still very much present in my life today. Today I re-read part of a journal from about five years ago and was a bit peeved to discover I am still very much as I was then. The progress of this heart is slow and tedious.
Only the Lord knows when I will die so I won’t spend too much time worrying about people reading the secrets of my heart etched on paper. These journals would certainly curtail any canonization process, that is for certain! If my great-grandchildren read them, they would be more convinced of my utter humanity and how foolishness pervades every generation. But, I suppose, the writings could also encourage them and reveal parts of my necessary conversions.
I don’t have plans for now to start editing my journals or changing the way I write. But if I happen to die soon, I caution anyone with the desire to crack open those journals and read them. And as for those hypothetical great-grandchildren reading them, as I told my friends, at the rate I’m going, I don’t have to even think about meeting them unless we start living well into our hundreds.
Praying for Them
Maybe the reason God arranged it so that I would be “randomly” selected to chaperone the dance was because He knew my response. If my internal dialogue could have been heard by my fellow chaperones, I’m certain I would have been given all kinds of weird looks. As I was being filled in on the less-than-admirable extra-curricular activities of the students, I was praying for them. I was looking out at the dance floor, vaguely picking up on the words of music I don’t listen to, and praying that the Blood of Jesus would cover them.
I watched them. And I wished I could force-feed them some of my experiences, some of my certain knowledge. They are fervently racing after fulfillment, happiness, and satisfaction. Yet they are running in the wrong directions. I almost felt like I was in a burning building with them as they ran around, looking for the exit. Meanwhile, I am standing near the exit, holding an emergency manual, but they are convinced that there must be some other way. It made my heart ache for them in a new way.
Taking in the scene make me grateful, though. In a fairly affluent school, I could see a definite materialism within them. Success seems to be clearly defined as making money or making a name for yourself. And I was grateful that I was not raised with such expectations. I’ve wanted to be a teacher since third grade and my parents supported me: proof that making money wasn’t a part of their philosophy of success. I don’t blame the students for seeking money and success if they are what are taught as the most important things in life. But I know that isn’t where true fulfillment is found. I know I have great freedom because I don’t place tons of value in money, expensive things, or positions of authority and power.
Despite the times they make me want to pull my hair out or roll my eyes or end the day early, I have an affection for my students that is abiding. A student who is struggling stopped by my classroom and although we aren’t particularly close, my heart was moved by them. I smiled at the student and briefly reviewed the recent class work. But when the student had walked out of my room, I realized the great look of vulnerability in their eyes. Even though I was talking about videos and projects, I wanted to convey a sincerity and kindness toward them. The only other thing I wanted to say but didn’t think of until later was simply, “It is good to see you.” I’m glad you exist.
Because I am. Frustrations and disappointments aside, I am glad my students exist. I am glad I have them in my room and that I get to spend time with them. And, because they are what they are and I am what I am, I will continue to pray for them, even if my prayers would cause people to look at me askance if they heard them.
Precious Blood of Jesus, pour over my students. Sanctify, purify, and save them.
Nothing Wasted
“Gather the fragments left over,
so that nothing will be wasted.”
At Mass yesterday, this verse from John’s Gospel struck me. I heard it that morning when a group of students and faculty gathered in the chapel to open the day with prayer. Once again, it stood out to me during Mass.
Nothing will be wasted.
What a beautiful promise the Lord makes to us in that one verse. He was speaking of the bread that had been multiplied to feed the hungry who had come together to hear Him preach. If He says this about bread, how much more would He say it about my life? Continue reading “Nothing Wasted”
To Be Known
After a long hiatus, I was out for a run, breathing in the distinct aroma of campfires in the cool spring evening. The sun was setting and the sidewalks were essentially empty as I plodded along. My mind sifted through different thoughts and different prayers. For a while, it focused on my experience of the gaze of Jesus.
During my recent silent retreat, I was struck by the intensity and the depth of Jesus gazing at me. I had entered into the story of the woman using her precious ointment for Jesus, but I felt I needed to go into her past more. What made her go to Jesus and give Him her most precious possession? To, in the eyes of the world, waste her fortune and her future? I was drawn back to woman about to be stoned after being found in the act of adultery. And I became her. Continue reading “To Be Known”
Many Are Called: A Book Review
What does it mean to be a priest? Amidst the scandals within the Church, many have a fundamental misunderstanding of the priesthood. In Scott Hahn’s Many Are Called: Rediscovering the Glory of the Priesthood, the multi-faceted beauty of the ordained priesthood is revealed. Hahn’s work delves into what a priest is in his roles as mediator, provider, teacher, warrior, judge, bridegroom, celibate father, and brother.
Today
Today was a good day.
I slept in later than I should have and rushed to get ready in time. Rushing around, I didn’t eat breakfast and threw a bagel in my lunch bag. Preparing to submit my grades during my lunch time, I completely forgot to eat my lunch/bagel. A student asked me why we don’t have a class that covers all of the bad things Catholics have done in the past. And my supervisor mentioned (in a kind way) that I never date. (I had noticed.)
But today was still a good day.
I met this morning with lovely young ladies and we talked about preparing ourselves for the relationships for which we all long. I had multiple times today where I would realize, “Hey, I’m doing this teaching thing!” A couple moments with my seniors resulted in laughter, partly because I am less defensive than I’ve been in previous years and I was able to take things in stride with a smile. Today, I laughed: when a student flipped his pencil to the ceiling (and looked like he surprised himself), when a student asked if I would take them all to walk the Camino (my answer: I don’t think we would all make it to the end alive), and with various friends during conversations. I had a cup of coffee in a mug decorated with pictures from a trip my sister and I took. During school, I prayed the Holy Sacrificed of the Mass. I made Thai food. I read more in my current book. I was able to talk about art and martyrdom today and feel passionate for the topics even if my students appeared less than excited to hear about them. One of my housemates shared her leftover cheesecake. And I can hear a couple of my housemates trying to figure out the suspenseful show they are watching.
Today was a good day. The Lord used the nothing that I had and He brought about something. It wasn’t perfect and it probably could have been better if I had given more of myself. Thank You, Jesus, for this day.
Ever-New
Do you remember? Do you remember?
The voices are hushed but brimming with excitement. It is dark with only flickering candlelight illuminating joyous faces. Of course they all remember.
By all rights, this should be a story that is told with sadness, one where sorrow should be the predominant feeling. It should be tragic and riddled with painful memories. That is not the case, however.
They can barely keep the laughter at bay. Wide smiles show how their hearts desire to break out of their chests. They are simultaneously on the brink of crying and shouting, so full are their hearts.
Do you remember? Why is this night different from all other nights?
The second question is a carryover from their Jewish roots–but it is fitting here. It is perfectly fulfilled here.
There are numerous possible narrators to the story, each holding a piece that contributes to the full picture. John is there and he tells of His last moments on the cross and the ache in his heart as he watched Him die. Mary Magdalene speaks of her sleepless night, the long Sabbath, and rushing with spices to the tomb early on the first day of the week. Peter speaks of walking into the empty tomb, marveling at the clothes that remain where the body once was placed. Each person adds another detail to a story they have told over and over again. Yet it is one of which they can never tire. It isn’t simply a story from the past but rather re-tells an encounter they had with the living God.

Saturday evening as I stood in a dark church while the Easter candle was being lit, I considered something I never have before: what would it have been like to be at the second Easter? The first Easter would have been incredible, but as I stood in the church, it was very clear that I wasn’t at the first Easter. But the second Easter? When they gather together to re-live what had happened a year ago? I could imagine that. If I closed my eyes and focused on the prayers, I could feel this uncontrollable joy welling up in my heart. Before long, I was fighting back tears and grinning like a fool in the darkness.
I had encouraged my students to delve into Holy Week and to consider the well-known story in a new light. Chances are really good that none of them remembered what I said, but I found myself taking my own advice. What if I wasn’t at Easter Vigil (like I am every year) but rather was at the first anniversary of the first Easter? They couldn’t even wait until Sunday to gather. Instead, they gather together in the darkness to hold a vigil for the Resurrection.
A lot can change in a year. One year earlier, they were wrapping their minds around the Passion, vacillating between numbness and crushing sorrow. Even in the finding of the empty tomb and the first appearances of Jesus, there were still so many questions and much confusion. A year later and they were witnesses of the Resurrection, filled with the Holy Spirit, and traveling to proclaim the Gospel. They didn’t have all of their questions answered but their mission was certain. Gathering together, their joy grew exponentially as they considered again those three sacred days.
Do you remember? Do you remember? The new followers, the ones who were not there one year earlier, listen eagerly to the story, caught up in the drama of human salvation. Even as they re-tell the Passion and Death of Jesus there is an undercurrent of joy. They enter into His death deeply, recalling where they had been during those moments of agony, but they know that He lives now. With solemnity, they trace the providence of God from the beginning. From creation to freedom from Egypt to the challenges of the prophets, they recall how God had prepared them for the fulfillment of all the old covenants. Soon they are talking about Easter Sunday, with all the little details pouring in:
“I thought He was a gardener!” Mary Magdalene recalls.
“I ran faster than Peter,” John says with a youthful wink at the Vicar of Christ.
“I didn’t go to the tomb, because I knew He had risen,” Mary, the mother of Jesus, says with a smile of remembrance.
The central point of Christianity is not about following rules or attending excessively long religious services. Christianity is about encountering the person of Jesus Christ. Everything else is aimed at fulfilling or bringing about that encounter. As I sat in Easter Sunday Mass, listening to the priest’s homily, I couldn’t help but glance around a little and see some tired, bored faces. And I wondered, “How many of these people here have never really encountered Jesus Christ?” They attend Mass because their husband or wife or parents want them to or because they feel some guilt if they should stop attending. How sad would it be if a relationship with God that is intended to be marked with joy is instead filled with simply surface level commitment.
The joy of Easter should not be mainly that we can now eat or do what we previously could not eat or do during Lent. It should be because we once again remember that Jesus Christ is the Savior we need. He died, He is risen, and that changes everything. It is not old news or historical details but is something that is ever-ancient yet ever-new. In that dark church on the eve of Easter, I thought of the joy and fulfillment that filled the hearts of the early Christians as they recalled the previous year. And I longed for that joy only to realize that it could and should be mine. We should be like the early Christians, gathering with hearts of praise to recall what the Lord has done for us.
Do you remember? Do you remember? He died, He rose, and He lives. And it continues to change my entire life.








