The inner response I have to the actions of another has more to say about me than the other person. I think I came to this realization over the past couple of days and, like many realizations, was a bit disappointing to me even as it was illuminating. It would be far more preferable for the poor behavior or actions of the other to simply be an indictment of their own wavering character or their imperfections. I would feel far better if my students attitudes were able to remain just that and entirely removed from me.
However, in the course of wrestling with the rather petty and immature responses of teens this week, I have come to see that what is awakened in me is, unfortunately, saying something about me and is, generally, the only thing I can deal with in the present. Sure, this student was being intentionally disrespectful, but the disproportionate anger I felt inside was something which surprised me. And it is the only thing I can really, authentically engage with, despite the fact that as a teacher a list of corrections or punishments towards the student could be utilized.
With this realization in mind, I looked at how I had internally responded to the situation. It wasn’t necessarily what I did, but there is a certain truth in our private knee-jerk reactions or what rolls around in our heads when dealing with a troublesome issue. It made me a bit uncomfortable to see what arose when I was challenged, provoked, and dismissed. Then recently in class, I found myself projecting a Scripture passage on the screen for prayer time and my eyes and heart kept catching on, “When he was insulted, he returned no insult. When he was made to suffer, he did not counter with threats.” (1 Peter 2)
It is frustrating to be faced with the problem which is clearly in another and see that is points to a larger problem in oneself. This called to mind a quote from Fr. Stinissen which says something to the effect of our enemies end up working for our greatest good. The students who are a delight rarely cause me to wrestle or fight against my less than kind desires for my brand of justice. However, the students who are provoking, immature, tempestuous, or rude cause me to implore God’s grace to overcome my own flaws, pettiness, desire for payback, or the inclination to feel slighted. In this way, these challenging souls do a great deal of good in my own imperfect heart.
Lord, help us to receive Your abundant grace in moments of frustration, injustice, or annoyance. Grant us the grace to have continual recourse to You, trusting in Your goodness far more than our own selves. May each day be a chance to suffer with You and for love of You. Grant that no pain or suffering will pass us by without being surrendered into Your loving and providential hands.
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Photo by Muhammad Ahmed Noor KHAN on Unsplash
Seeking After His Heart 