I love to write. Another close favorite is reading. My main writing over the past few years, apart from scholastic writing, has been in the form of prayer journals. At different, random points in my life, I enjoy going back and reading what I have written. It allows me to remember what that time period was like, whether it was beautiful or painful, and to see how far I have come. Recently, different changes in life have caused me to go back and read and, surprisingly, learn from myself. The moments of epiphany are too often neglected until I read them again and am, once again, enlightened and encouraged to persevere.
I have decided to share a lengthy portion of one journal entry that I wrote because I found myself edified simply by reading something I had penned. While this could be due to a hardy dose of narcissism or pride, I believe that some of it may be beneficial for others. Altogether, I believe it was inspired by Someone far wiser than I who, for a brief window of time, was able to use this unwieldy instrument for something good.
March 31, 2013 –Easter Sunday
You overwhelm me with joy. Last night I sat in a darkened Cathedral nave eagerly anticipating Your resurrection. I was filled with a light-hearted joy. The Scripture readings painted a picture of how God has loved humanity throughout time. You have given me several moments in my life where I internally declare that this is Church. Last night as I watch a woman be baptized and confirmed, as I glimpsed the joy on the face of Bishop…, as I inhaled the incense, as I helped fill the darkened Cathedral with light and persons, as I exchanged a greeting of peace–this is the embrace of the universal Church, this is my home. I received You–Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity–in a manner that pre-dates the foundations of this country, in a way that countless saints have, from the hands of the Bishop ordained through an unbroken line of apostolic succession. The beauty of the Church is striking and my heart finds itself being pressed to widen her chambers to make room for the Beauty that aches to overflow in her….
There are so many times when I think that I understand You and then I am reawakened to the fact that I comprehend so little. What a beautiful mystery it is! The rich depths of the Catholic faith cannot be plumbed. You died for me and rose again. The wounds You had were glorified. You breath into my heart a joy beyond measure and You inscribe “Alleluia!” on my tongue. From outside of time You pursue my heart, meeting me at the timeless table of the Eucharistic feast. You know the workings of the universe–and my fierce and delicate heart. You will for our wills to collide in an eruption of sanctification. You are the perfect picture of patient love as You hang on the cross. You recklessly call me to place my hand in Your side, calling me to believe more in Your triumph than my failings.
The Lord desires something great for each one of us. It may not be my personal idea of “greatness” or the type of greatness that I would like. Yet each of us is called to be a saint. We are called to be great in mercy, love, patience, kindness, generosity, and forgiveness. We are called to place our will at the service of His will. To accept that God has a better plan for ourselves than we do. To realize that He desires to fulfill the deepest desires of our hearts…perhaps just in a different way than we are asking Him to do so.
And Our Lord hasn’t forgotten you. He hasn’t forgotten me.
He hasn’t forgotten you.
“Let me hear in the morning of your merciful love, for in you I put my trust. Teach me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.” –Psalm 143:8