I like surprises, but I also enjoy the game of trying to figure out in advance what the surprise will be. It is a double-edged sword. If I do manage to untangle the mystery ahead of time, it detracts from the overall surprise. If I don’t, then I miss the thrill of discovery. When I was quite young, I realized the bittersweet victory of unearthing a surprise when I broke my sister by persistently asking what my present was for Christmas before she finally caved. It was both what I wanted and yet thoroughly not what I wanted.
With the Lord, however, He definitely has the competitive edge when it comes to keeping a surprise entirely hidden from my view. There is an obvious frustration this can provide considering that the cleverly hidden surprise is my life and that I really believe I would like to know what lies in wait for me.
But do I really?
If the Lord revealed to me the future happenings of my life, would this satisfy me? In all likelihood, no. I’m quite certain this would only raise more questions, more concerns, and more fears about what will be. So, perhaps, there is a blessedness to the prevailing darkness and unknowing which surrounds me.
Now that I look back, it seems to me that in all that deep darkness a miracle was preparing. So I am right to remember it as a blessed time, and myself as waiting in confidence, even if I had no idea what I was waiting for.
“Gilead” by Marilynne Robinson (p. 55)
I’m reading Gilead and while I cannot tell exactly where the novel is headed, I am enjoying the process of watching it unfold. Some people read the end of a book before beginning which properly horrifies me, but I guess I am a less patient participant when the story is my life and not something with a clear and definite ending. In a book, I know there will be some sort of conclusion or resolution (or complete cliff-hanger) within the remaining pages. My life provides less clarity and, for all of the uncertainty, more excitement, since I do not know when the ending will be and cannot speed-read through slower parts in order to arrive at the action.
Yet the question that seems to be proposed to me in this novel is: do you trust that God will keep His promises? And, perhaps even more striking, it raises the question of: do you believe that God has your best interests at heart and that everything–the sorrow, the waiting, and the uncertainty–can all be used by God as a genuine blessing for you?
There is a bittersweetness in the story which is compelling and authentically human. The waiting of the main character deepens his keen appreciation for the blessings found in his old age. The lengthy absence of some things creates the opportunity for a more thorough enjoyment once received. But it is only an opportunity. In no way is it a guarantee that the person will respond with gratitude. The main character, however, chooses to make answered promises and generous gifts a cause for rejoicing, even if the fleeting nature of the gift adds the element of the bittersweet. I want to do the same in my own life, seizing opportunities with gratitude instead of annoyance that my plan wasn’t the one the Lord decided to use as the template for my life.
Perhaps at the end of earthly lives, we will all be grateful for the prevailing hiddenness that encompassed monumental moments in our temporal existence. When seen from a better vantage point, we may come to see that God had very good reasons for using blinders and that there was no other way to protect us other than to shroud us in darkness, keeping even our own hearts and His love as a mystery to us. From my limited point of view, I cannot yet understand the grand mosaic He is crafting, but I am striving to generously offer the pieces I can, trusting that the image will become clear at some point. Gilead, similar to the profound Diary of a Country Priest by Georges Bernanos, offers a glimpse of how grace moves and works in souls, even if not apparent to the individual. So I’m trusting that the Lord is doing the same thing in my own life, without my complete comprehension yet with my firm and deep desire that it be so.
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Seeking After His Heart 