There is something strangely beautiful about crouching on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night as your stomach seeks to, yet again, empty itself into the waiting bucket. With heaving sides and uncontrollable gagging, the words that came to mind at this moment weren’t exactly what I expected. I had just started a Marian consecration the night before and in the bathroom I thought of one of the suggested resolutions for the day: Consider how all the persons of the Trinity are laboring to give you love.
A few hours later, bent over that bucket again, the words come back to me: the Trinity is laboring in love for me. Perhaps the oddest thing about this whole situation was that those words didn’t seem that odd, even remembered at the painful moment.
It is a blessing for me to experience trials and find myself praying in the midst of them. Not because it makes me feel super holy, but rather it reassures me that these things I pray are becoming ingrained deeper in me. They aren’t words that I just mouth but words that are tangible, that are lived realities.
Later in the early hours of the morning, I was reminded to pray for those suffering and I offered my pain up for them. The next day, I spent most of it sleeping or trying to start drinking different types of liquids, despite my innate desire to refuse anything that could lead, once again, to the pains of that morning.
I didn’t handle this whole illness like a saint, lest you begin to think that is the purpose of this story. There were definitely moments I was complaining about my aches and wanted to be pampered even if it wasn’t wholly necessary. It was a comfort, though, to see my faith being tested (slightly–I know the stories of true testing in concentration camps and Roman amphitheaters–this was a minor testing) and it enduring.
May you also realize that the Trinity is laboring in love for you—even when all seems bleak and pain surrounds you.