I’ve never read the book but I am in love with the title of a book that goes to the effect of “The Appalling Strangeness of the Mercy of God.” That seems to be my life. I am convinced that if God gave me everything I asked for, I would be extremely miserable. Yet I still ask for things, unsure if they are desires of my own or of God. He has shielded me from many injuries and pains because He alone understands my tender heart. There are experiences that I have never had because of God in His wisdom and mercy. While I often criticize God for holding out on me, I know He has my best interests in mind. Even now as I am treading water wondering where I am to go or do, I know He has a beautiful plan. But this heart of mine is quick to doubt and worry. I find myself feeling very alone and isolated. I live at home but I feel that I don’t have a home at times.
Where am I to be? Where do I plant roots?
For some reason the answer for me doesn’t seem to simply be to build a foundation where I lived the first eighteen years of my life. Home isn’t home. While I don’t want to leave, I’m not certain how much I want to stay. I know that “no man is an island” but I feel as though I am a fish swimming in the river, joining up with one school before transitioning to another. Not forsaken or alone but not tied down. I am beginning to understand the great desire my heart has to be bound to something or someone. The media portrays women as independent and never desiring to be anybody’s anything. Yet how deeply I do! I want a promise of forever. My mind and heart long for marriage but I think my truest heart is calling out for Jesus.
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
If God were to lead me to a different school every year then I would need to rely solely on God. The problem is that it is tiring. Life is a constant battle and I often love that idea and relish the thought of fighting. But then I get tired and what I long for most ardently is eternal rest. Perhaps all of these desires are true and natural, maybe even desired by God. The necessary aspect is to submit to God’s will. My identity is rooted most securely in Him. Regardless of what may come, I can always be convinced of being His daughter, His creation, His love. This is where I am right now and I cannot know what the future holds. Despite the plethora of uncertainties, I can assuredly know that I have a home that will never be taken from me–nestled in the Eucharistic heart of my Lord.