Last Saturday I really missed college. Perhaps it was the fact that my sister just headed back to school or maybe it was due to a longing for good community. Or because I would like to be the student again and not the teacher, despite the satisfaction I get from job at times. Every now and then I have to stop and remind myself that I am not on a break from college but that I will never go back to college, at least I will never return to where I was before. I’ve tossed around the idea several times of getting my Master’s degree but I know it won’t be the same as my undergrad. There is a sadness that comes with that repeated realization. That phase of my life is completed and it is a place to which I can never return.
I find myself missing things that I didn’t plan on missing along with things I knew I would miss. Now I live in a house but I find myself missing the dorms and being able to walk across the hall to talk to someone. I didn’t love going to the abortion clinic on Saturday mornings, yet I find myself missing that mission field and the people that I prayed alongside. I miss beautiful lectures by brilliant professors that just feed my soul. While I don’t miss paying for them, I miss the feeling of picking of a new stack of books at the beginning of the semester. Perhaps I miss writing papers and I try to live vicariously through my students by assigning frequent 1-page papers. I miss campus and walking around through the changing seasons. Oddly enough, I miss the adult-like feeling I had of going to Mass off-campus. It made me feel so grown-up to be going to Mass with adults who have jobs. The odd factor is that I do this now but I think it is because I am going to parishes I went to before college that I don’t feel so adult-like. My heart misses the adoration chapel and the beautiful peace found there. I miss my schedule and the mode of college life. Yeah, I miss many things. I didn’t realize this so much the first semester because I felt so overwhelmed with work. But now I am able to look up a little bit more and I find myself looking into the future, wondering what else could be in store.
What beautiful plan does God have for me? And what is He doing with me in the meantime? He has never failed me but I am so quick to fall back into fear. I miss college and that is natural because it was an important part of my life in which I grew substantially. Yet I would be amiss to spend this next phase mourning over the last one. My goal is to recommit to live in the present with joy, embracing as fully as I am able every aspect of my present life. God is loving me in so many ways right now. Right here is living in God’s will.